Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I just forgot I was standing up.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
