I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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