I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
