It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I need a hoe opinion
go on
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