I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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