I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
