just tell him i said nine months
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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