instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
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