I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
