There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
just found out that she named her cat after me.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
