I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
