Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
