Your mouth is God's brothel.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
