New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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