I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
