i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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