i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
