Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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