new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
