My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i think i scared a bird with my dick
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
