If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
