Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
