he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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