We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
