My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
