I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
