So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
