"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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