I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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