I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Randomize
