That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
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After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
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I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.