why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
