She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Come see our sink grown plant.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
