rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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