I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
