Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
