I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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