"it" just moved
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Randomize
