i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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