when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
