If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
