Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Randomize
