Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
