No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
This baby is an asshole
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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