I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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