I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
