Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
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