apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
