well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
