Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
