Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
