I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
