Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
