Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
