Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Randomize
