Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
