What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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