I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
