I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Randomize
