Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
i wish my penis had a tongue
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
